Nichols picks up on these disparate facts and asserts that the comparison actually is being made between Jules' mother and Rue, identifying that Jules has internally linked the two together, something Jules professes to have never thought of in that way before.

This starts a flashback to Jules' own mother's similar abuses, overdoses, etc, and Jules' inability to discuss it with Rue, lest Rue take it as criticism by comparison. After sobbing briefly, Jules goes even further, expressing bitter anger at the feeling that Rue's sobriety depended singularly on her 'access' to Jules. However, Jules notes that it may have come at the cost of Rue along the way, but justifies it, saying the last six months had been incredibly trying and included a close call with suicide to boot. Jules wraps up the discussion of femininity and being trans by referring to it as a kind of spirituality, not religious. However, Jules describes a sudden appreciation for it with a comparison to the ocean, something incredibly powerful and yet feminine at once 'I want to be as beautiful as the ocean,' because femininity and strength are both 'what makes the ocean the ocean.' This leads to a tangent about the concept of puberty, something Jules feared as a 'deepening,' a vast 'thickening' that would make femininity utterly unattainable, distant and unreachable. The intent is quite bluntly to let Jules' testicles enlarge and voice drop, something Jules supposes that men would not appreciate.

The conversation quickly shies away from Jules' mother though, returning to a desire to get off hormones particularly, hormone blockers. Thinking on this, Jules wonders if Rue's love isn't the kind that a mother should have, automatic, instant acceptance and love of the core individual just for existing. Nichols then points out that Rue doesn't do this, prompting Jules to not only agree but to describe Rue's ability to see the 'real' Jules deep beneath it all, something Dr. Jules mentions their examination of the body, hair, clothes (even where the clothes were purchased from), all the way down to staring subtly at the hands and fingers for any imperfection of nail polish or other such flaw, a process that Jules refers to as 'terrifying'. Nichols prompts further, and Jules laments that women, when meeting another woman, examine them, check their femininity against the ideal, and categorize them on a hierarchy of success upon which they treat the person accordingly. Pondering it, Jules agrees that it is indeed reactive, that the 'real' Jules is somewhere buried under a million pieces from other people that have formed an outer shell, a persona.ĭr. Nichols to question whether Jules' personality is truly that 'reactive'.

Expounding upon this, Jules refers to constructing an entire identity around what men supposedly desire, prompting Dr. Nichols asks whether de-transitioning has been well thought-out, but Jules' main response is that 'I feel like I've framed my entire womanhood around men'. Mardy Nichols opens by questioning why Jules ran away, although Jules simply claimed to have been 'reacting to shit' and is focused singularly on getting off hormones. Jules is grounded and in a therapy session, which Dr. Over the Christmas holiday, Jules reflects on the year.

Euphoria trouble don t last always